got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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