Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
