it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
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He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
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I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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