I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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