mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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