I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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