Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
