Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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