I accidentally burped into my bong.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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