I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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