someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
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I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
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But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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