Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
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Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
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I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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