HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize