Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
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i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
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Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
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