I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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