Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
