uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
