What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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