i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
