woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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