so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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