Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
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When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I have fence marks all over my body
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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