I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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