Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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