That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
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oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
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He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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