On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
