Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
