I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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