i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
