She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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