why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
