Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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