she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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