glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
