is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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