I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
