He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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