i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
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He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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