bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
