I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
