You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
