If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
