woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
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So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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