His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
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I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
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Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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