i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
How's work?
Spinning.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
