my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My penis needs a shock collar
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
