ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
