I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize