i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
