guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
