this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
