last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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