I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
