Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
