yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
