Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
